[Honestly, Richard had not ever considered himself to be particularly religious person either. He, too, saw his prior practices to also be similar lip service - a performance that had just been part of his role in society. Something that was just expected of him to do. He had believed his presence at the Lord's house to be nothing but another scheme. One that he kept putting up even in this world, one forsaken by the God. And part of this whole production of Christmas preparations and celebrations and whatnot were part of that performance.
But then there was still part of him that kept looking up to the vast, empty sky and always seeking for the approval and love from the divine despite not believing it to be possible. It was that destructive hope that kept driving him back to this place. Just like now. A vicious cycle, chaining him down like a slave.
Richard schooled down his expression back to calm and collected one as he watched Silco to approach the altar. His golden eye is once again hidden by the dark hair. ]
You shouldn't let him boss you around so. [Says the man who was the main culprit behind pampering and spoiling the boar. But he had been certain that Whitey had been sleeping at the inn when he left. So why had he returned to Silco's out of all places?
He merely scoffs a quiet laughter at the man's sneer and shakes his head. Leave it to his lover to make fun out of one of the most important days of his faith. Not that Silco would know the meaning of it.] The man who lives here agreed to this. It seems like that even a heretic's heart softens during this time of the year.
[He then steps closer to Silco, also casting his gaze at the tree.] It is supposed to represent the garden of Eden, a paradise from where the very first humans' were banished after they fell from the grace. All the lights are symbol for the birth of the Christ, the son of God. His miraculous virgin birth is the reason we celebrate Christmas.
[Richard offers explanation and then turns away to light yet another candle.] How is your daughter?
[Silco had never understood why Ragna had made this place; the man didn't come across to him as religious either, but apparently everyone needed to believe in something or someone he supposed. It was one of the few buildings in all of Aldrip that he had no interest in actually having a hand in even if the man would disappear. It seemed he wouldn't have to worry about that as Richard would likely make a play for it. The younger man was a hand playing pieces on the board now.
He looked at the alter with all of its candles and then the tree again. This all seemed like strange pomp and fanfare for a being that could care less about any one of them; bad things happened not because of gods but because that was the way that life traveled. It was a game of endurance and some had it, some didn't.]
He seemed upset you weren't there. [They both knew that Whitey was Richard's pride and joy, a loyal companion that Silco had noted showed up when people were at their worst. How and why? He had no idea. He knew animals could be attuned to such things.] He's keeping Jinx company.
[He wrinkled his nose at the story of falling from grace. Wasn't that just most religions? It seemed that Richard's in particular had stories of testing the mettle of men and them failing spectacularly in the trials.] I suppose it will make good kindling when you're finished with it here. [He snorted in amusement and side-eyed his lover.] You don't actually believe in a virgin birth, do you? Please, someone spilled their seed.
[Yet, his eyes returned to the tree at the question as his lover busied himself. Jinx was a delicate topic for the both of them.] I admitted to her about us. Otherwise, she's... a mess. She's not... [He trailed off, tucking his hands in his pockets. He doubted Richard wanted to hear it.] Nevermind. She's fine. Sleeping finally.
Words like that would have you burned down at the stake. But not before you'd face the horrors of the tower, of course. [Despite the grim and dark warning nature of his words there is no sense of threat or anger in Richard's voice as he speaks. He should be angry when hearing such blasphemy in God's house at time like this. But Richard had always appreciated his lover's bluntness and the way he spoke his mind, not yielding in front of greater power. He envied it, too. As much as he would poke and prod at the man's old wounds left by the chains of the past, it did make Richard wonder just how tight his own proverbial leash was.]
If there was a seed spilled it was God's. He visited Mary in a form of pure light, placing a child in his womb. Then He sent one His angels to meet her and to deliver the truth about the child she was carrying. That he would be the son of God and the savior to all humans. [So, yes. He did believe it. Richard has never had any reason to question this story as nothing but the absolute truth. Mary had been special woman, one picked and chosen by God. Something that he is not even allowed dream about.] But such stories do not concern the sinners in the dark, does it?
[He and Silco were outside of that circle of light. Kins of sorts. Something that had brought them together in the first place.
When the topic shifts to Jinx Richard turns his gaze to briefly look at the other man. His visible eye narrows slightly when Silco mentions his confession but he says nothing to it. Was he happy about it? No. But was he mad? Strangely enough, not really. In fact he did not feel really anything about the subject. So, instead he just listens silently and watches Silco struggle to find the words. He had seen some of the girl's network post and it had been confusing to read, more than usually.
Yes, he is right. Richard does not care much for Jinx or her health, or at least for her sake. It's because of Silco that he is asking.
Setting down the candle he takes the few steps closer, closing the gap between him and his lover and raises his hand to touch Silco's cheek.] She'll be back on her feet soon. She's your daughter.
So you've informed me time and again, but I'm not afraid of refusing to bend to the opinions of the sheep. And I've faced plenty of horrors before, seen men tortured to the edge of consciousness, and seen all manner of deaths. [He had no interest in religious fanatics and their paltry bleeping about some book that most of them probably hadn't read or understood.
Of course now that he stood in this 'temple', he would admit that he had not opened this big religious book that Richard held to such high regard. He had never asked if the younger man had read it, but perhaps this was one of those subjects where if one or both of them picked up such a 'holy' text that they would burst into flames. That was a religious idea of heathens, was it not?]
It all sounds like make-believe trying to convince people of the purity of a higher being. You know getting a woman pregnant without her consent is still rape, right? Some God. [He knew he was pushing it, and he sighed as he shook his head as he decided purposefully to reign the provocative opinions back. He did not wish to make Richard his enemy tonight, not when they had barely had opportunities to seek each other out.] Such stories seem to be the kind of things parents tell their children to force them to attempt to be better people. Even if we were told, I suppose it wouldn't set people like us on the righteous path.
[He never had a reason to be anything other than who he was, and he prided himself to not be beholden to such ideas. He preferred to be the monster. More than that, he enjoyed the fact that he had someone else who was as monstrous as he was.
He stared at the altar, waiting for Richard's comment about the fact that he had opened up to his daughter about them. Nothing came, and he wasn't certain if he was relieved or disappointed. Perhaps it forced him to face the disquiet of the changes of his daughter's behaviour, their argument about methods and the future of this place.
His eyes followed his lover as Richard moved in on him, and he remained momentarily stiff as that hand touched his cheek. He sighed from his nose, nodding.] I know. There are... others from my world here now which will complicate things. [He slowly leaned into Richard's touch.]
[Well now Silco has done it. Even back in his own world Richard had gotten somewhat used to hear heresy. Buckingham had declared more than once that he did not believe in God or Fate or anything like that, and he, too, would let careless words of blasphemy past his lips in a secure room. But linking the miracle carried by Mother Mary into something so filthy and degenerate? That went past blasphemy. Richard half expects the floor to open under them, the flames of hell burst out and swallow both of them in eternal pain as he stared the other man eyes wide and in disbelief.]
...Divine can't defile anyone. That is against its holy nature. [He says slowly, clearing his voice from the shock.] God wants all of us to be better, yes. Only those who have managed to live just life and repent for their sins are allowed to join His eternal kingdom. But yes, you're right. Such attempts are wasted on people such as you and I.
When Christ died he forgave those who had done him wrong. He found it in his heart to still love the man who had betrayed and sold him out. He bled and cried for our sins as he was brutally tormented in front of people before his slow and agonizing death. Only someone pure and truly holy could do something like that. Not us. [He and Silco had both been betrayed by someone close to them - by someone they cherished in their hearts. And what was result? Instead of turning the other cheek and forgive, they had turned into hate. Instead of being resurrected they had been reborn as they were. Dangerous monsters.
Richard could feel the warmth of Silco's skin even through his glove, thumb slowly caressing the spot under his eye. The contact made his heart swell and eyes soften. How had he missed this during these quiet and lonely days. A simple gesture packing immense amount of meaning behind it.
"You can't help but want it," Joan's words echoed in his mind, making him quickly withdraw away.]
And... Who are these people? Do you think they'll possess a threat against you?
[If this God was so sensitive to the prattling of a non-believer, it would only make his case firmer as far as he was concerned. They had been told little stories to keep them afraid, to make them behave as if that would provide them a better life. His cynicism had only deepened with age, though he had to admit that Richard's shock was pleasing to see. He enjoying the moment even further for it.
Yet he stepped in closer so that their bodies were inches apart.] Why do we need a God to tell us to be better? If that was what the end goal was, wouldn't it be harder to fight against that nature? No sin is beautiful and poignant, otherwise, why would you and I still be standing after all we have done? If there is a God, they don't care about the petty and paltry actions of humanity. We're just ants to them.
[Silco almost snorted a laugh, and he knew that Richard couldn't believe this nonsense. Who could? Son of a God tortured and murdered and God does nothing? What a waste.] Torture and murdering a crying man is hardly purity. It is weakness that he wouldn't fight back against his oppressors? What tale does that tell you, Richard? If you hang your head, meal, and cry, you will die by those who will never believe in you anyway. That's how martyrs shackle guilt.
[He leaned into Richard's hand further, allowing his guard down for a moment as he savored the quiet contact between them. Then it was gone just as fast and he had to take a small step to avoid stumbling forward. He shifted himself and tucked his hands back in his coat pockets.
He shrugged, stepping away to instead seat himself on a front row bench. He was digging in his coat for his cigar case.] They possess whispers of me which they may or may not tell. No worse than the sister who you are so fond drinking with.
Sheep. Not ants, Silco. [Richard corrects him, schooling his expression back under control. He can tell that Silco is trying to provoke him with all these critical questions and comments and now knows not to let them under his skin now. So he merely shakes his head at the challenge in front of him] We are born to these bodies that hold our souls in captive. It is only in our death when we get to reap the harvest and see whether we are welcomed to the paradise or to the eternal flames of the hell. The God is our shepherd, a guiding hand that tries to lead us foolish humans towards the salvation.
You may say so, but the Christ was rewarded for his sacrifice. [And that was all that he really had to say about the topic. Somehow he doubted that stories of the miraculous resurrection would be enough to move his lover. But he supposes it is only fair. Richard is no priest and hardly the right person to educate a heathen on the matters of religion and divine. A rebellious part of him would want to see the older man in discussion with one of the preachers from his church. No doubt it would be an inspiring spectacle to see the cynic tear down the servant of God with his words.
Richard stood still when Silco moved away to take a seat, placing a hand on top of the altar. His eyes narrows a bit when the man brings up the sister, no Vi. He had only recently learned the true identity of the girl through Jinx's emotional outburst on the network rather than from his lover himself. Something that had left a bad taste in his mouth.
For a quick moment his gaze focuses on the empty spot next to Silco. Joan was there again, sneering as usually and mimicking the man's movements - digging up a lighter from her pocket and offering to light the cigar for him. Ridiculous.]
And so your lips remains sealed about their identities. [There is now a quiet accusation in his words. 'You are shutting me out.']
Please, we are nothing but ants to anything that contains that much power. We exist on their whim, going about our little lives like workers building a hive. [He did not allow the correction to stand, and he was willing to fight about it even if it was probably the last thing either of them actually needed right now. Time apart had been difficult on them both, and he had plenty of concerns that were well beyond this church and an argument over God.] Yes, yes, eternal paradise or eternal damnation. Two of the most boring options imaginable. Your God sounds like a terrible shepherd by the way. Maybe he should take an internship somewhere.
[Silco snorted in amusement as he pulled his cigar from the case and slipped it between his lips. He lit it with a single strike from the lighter, puffing away to bring it to life. He stowed the case and lighter away in his coat pocket again and leaned back to stare at Richard.] Was he? Do you actually believe any of that prattling nonsense? It's worse than children's stories and fables. You tie yourself up with everything your God apparently wants, but consider yourself a monster not fit for such salvation. Why would you aim for a goal you don't believe you deserve in the first place? Take what you can in the life that you have.
[He noted Richard's divided attention and turned in the pew that he was seated up, staring at the empty space beside him. He knew the tells.] Well, at least Joan is here so I have someone reasonable to talk to. [He reached around the back of the bench and pulled a thick book out titled "Bible" and huffed.] Joan, do tell Richard his religion is nothing more than a pile of shit giftwrapped as gold, would you? Such a gem.
[He flipped open the Bible, squinting at the small text and leafed through for something inspiring. Well, no, he decided he was going to read it cover to cover. This was Richard's religion, was it? Fine, he'd pull the younger man's arguments apart based on superior knowledge and pettiness.
Yet, he lifted his mismatched gaze away from examining the book to regard his lover, noting the tone. He had not shared Vi's identity because they had a deal in place. He was not bound by such stipulations any longer, but he also made a point of refusing to call her by name whenever possible.]
You want to know their names, do you? [He pulled his cigar from his lips and blew smoke out in front of him.] Fine. From our sister city, Piltover, two councilors: Jayce Talis and Mel Medarda. One ex-councilor: Heimerdinger who is a yordle, small and furry. Jayce and Heimerdinger are inventors or men of science. Mel is a foreign agent. From my city, Jinx's former boy-toy, Ekko has returned. The others were here before: Vi who is Jinx's blood sister, Caitlyn Kiramann from Piltover, and of course, my daughter, Jinx. All of them are dangerous to what I have been building, but I expect they also will be too consumed with each other to notice me.
[Richard falls quiet as Silco keeps pushing the argument, pressing his lips together into disapproving line. He does not want to hear it.
However, it is not that he doesn't think that Silco isn't right. The God, if he truly exists, is nowhere nearly as merciful nor loving as the priests, bishops or vicars and what not would preach about. After all, Richard had only experienced the fear and the merciless wrath -- something that were reserved for sinners and criminals. A role that he had come to accept as his own long time ago.
And yet he keeps chaining himself up with this desperate hope, that just maybe he, too, could be welcomed to the paradise. So, he continues with these performances and hides away his true nature despite knowing very well it all to be for naught.
A small flame of anger flares within him as he watches Silco to pick up the bible. No doubt the man is only looking at it to annoy him further. But the Silco goes and takes yet another step outside of his comfort-zone by bringing up Joan. Of course, her presence had never been a secret to his lover, but for him to provoke an interaction by addressing her? Yeah, that was more than enough to trigger the anxiety in him.
The uneasiness washes over his expression, feeling his skin prickle underneath his clothing. He turns his head to look away at the altar and its lights , fighting through his discomfort. He breathes through his nose and tapping the wooden surface with his finger and then -- maybe for the first time in is life, he decides not to dismiss the comment but lean into it. Making Joan part of the shared reality rather than just his own.]
..You are the one she's making fun out of, actually. [He says, voice strained, yet in control.] If it's not heaven or hell, then where do you wish your soul to end up when all of this is over?
[Richard is actually quite surprised that Silco answered his question. Despite them letting each other close enough to see the hidden scars and pains from the past, there had always been a fine line of privacy that they both guarded from one another. The line had been a source of frustration, for sure, but it had also helped him to understand their limits of relationship.]
I am familiar with some of them. [Mostly just with Vi and Caitlyn, but he does remember one encounter with the boy named Ekko.] It seems like your opposition has grown with a quite number. But you are right. I do not think they can act in this world without burning themselves, too.
[Oh he could push further. Silco knew he could drive Richard to probably becoming incensed with him to the point of yelling, but when the younger man went more and more silent, he knew that he was poking at an unhealed wound. They could debate all they liked, but it lost its shine when he knew that he was driving his lover into his shell with his rhetoric and cutting commentary on an aspect he saw as problematic for Richard's well being.
His lover wouldn't know it, but Silco was trying to break those chains so that his Richard could shake off years of self-hatred based around a religion that would never love or care for those that did not meet the standards of whatever society deemed. He hated it for that because so many of them were outliers who would have to overcompensate with shame and guilt at not being one of the 'sheep'.
So, he left the bulk of the topic silent on his end as he leafed through the Bible before giving up and actually starting on the first page. He shot a feigned enraged look to his right.] That's because she likes me, obviously.
[He snorted softly at the question and gestured with the Bible at all of this celebratory effect.] I don't care. My damned soul ended up here, so I suppose that's answer enough. Otherwise, I'd prefer reincarnation to relive again. A soul cycled over and over, their lives many, their opportunities varied.
[He grunted, fully aware of the opposition awaiting him. He needed to be careful now more than ever. He did not have the benefit of the last Marcus to hide his business.] You would think that, but I have cultivated a particular persona here that I wish to keep intact. They will create increased difficulties, though... I existed in the shadows for all of them for a long time. Perhaps I will be easy to overlook.
[Silco is a ruthless man, both in his actions and words. But even more than that, he was someone who sought to always have control and fight against any body that held authority, be it physical or celestial. Richard does not doubt it for a second that these words were part of that fight along with trying to seize the power over the conversation. The man hated being wrong, no matter how childish and petty it made him come across at times. And Richard did not want to have his most painful hurt to be used for that. Not when it was still sore and bleeding, drawing out his self-hatred out.
No wonder Joan was present.
And speaking of the witch? It felt so jarring to see Silco trying to interact with her, looking straight into those large crazed eyes and talking to her. The colors shift in his eyes, distorting the reality even more as the poisonous green and purple began to spread around the pair on the bench. But Richard forced his eyes to stay focused, not yielding even as Joan turned to sneer back at him:
"Tell him, Richard. I am not the one who likes him here."
The comment makes him knit his brows together in a harsher frown, the corners of his lips pulling back as he ignored the taunt.]
So. Eternal cycle of suffering and pain? Endless pursuit with no real goal. [He scoffs, rolling his shoulders in a sneer. He had heard rumors of such beliefs as part of heretic travelers. And to be honest, he did not see the appeal. Why would one subject themselves into such vicious cycle of agony and pain when there was something eternal and real to be achieved?]
Here I thought you enjoyed being the monster in the dark, relishing openly in the act of scaring the children and weak? I did not think that presence of people from your world would be enough to force you under the bed.
[Silco had never been one to let ghosts and tormentors of those he had come to care about scare him. They were part of the experience, and if he could take away some of Richard's fear and revulsion from the witch by having a make-believe conversation with someone he didn't see, hear, or could touch, perhaps it would allow his lover to also find the will to shake off how her presence upset the balance of the day.
Normally she came out when Richard was alone, he had noticed. Times of stress too. It wasn't that often that Silco was in the room when the tells were there to indicate that Joan was there in the same room as them.]
Well, does she want a drag of my cigar? She's more than welcome.
[He ran his thumb over the smooth paper of the book, and it seemed to him that it was cared for well enough. It didn't look like it was read much or at least not the entirety of it. He decided that he would read this book of God's little advice and see if he could discern what the big deal was about.]
Oh and this Hell would be any different would it? Eternal torment in the fiery pits of demons, or eternal Hell in a cycle on Earth where at least one has the opportunity to change their fortunes? Please, don't be so narrowminded about reincarnation. Perhaps you could have the life you've always wanted. [He didn't know what that was either. A crown, a father alive, a fully male or fully female body. He'd never asked what Richard's ideal was.]
I can't go to all out war with them, that's all. This city wouldn't stand behind me as I am now. Perhaps if everyone knew what sort of monster I was, no one would stand with me. [He was watching Richard as he said it. Despite their promises, there were deep wounds and old memories that were harmful, that he thought may even turn off his lover.] If people of your time came, would you be overjoyed to see them? Your brothers? Your mother?
[Joan was an entity that was ever present in Richard's daily life. She was there even when he couldn't see her. Sometimes it was just her voice he could hear while other times she manifested as looming dread above him, feeling her presence following him like a suffocating shadow. And it was true that she comes out of her hiding during the times when he was alone, sliding through the cracks of weakness. But it was not completely unheard of her to show herself when there were others around, despite how rare it was. She had done so in the past. When Richard had been young and struggling to find balance between the despair and hope, clinging on the fickle light that Henry brought him.
It was the same affliction which she accused him of again. So he supposes it makes sense that she is here right now, after being silent and absent so long during the months that they shared the roof. ]
I'd be careful if I were you. She might as well go and poison your mind even further. He scoffs at Silco's words as he focuses on the witch, who in return sticks her tongue out, earning an angry scowl from Richard. He clenches his hand in a tight fist and turns to walk around the altar - just so to have excuse to tear his gaze away from the pair on the bench.]
The life on Earth is hell. You'd willingly be caught in the ever spinning wheel just for one opportunity? Like a fool running around in circles. Heh. I suppose this world suits you just well, then. You lost almost everything and now have gained it all back once again. [He could tell that his focus was wavering, feeling already exhausted and overwhelmed by the maddening visions of Joan, the blasphemous conversation with Silco and the sea of the candles. But still, he would not run away.]
Maybe. But you have power and influence here that others don't. If they were now to act out against you they would only earn the ire of the rest of the Chosen.
[There is a moment of silence from him when Silco brings up his family. He is right to assume that their arrival would not please him at all. Especially his brothers would prove out to be problematic and force him into hiding once again. He was not nowhere prepared to shatter their idea of loyal little brother by revealing the cost of his ambition. He sighs out his nose, some of the tension deflating from his frame.]
...Why did you come here, Silco? If Whitey truly was being a pest you could have just kicked him out.
I'm not concerned. I've been around my daughter's demons for many years, and the more power that one gives to their hold, the worse they are. [At least, that's how he liked to consider it. All the traumas manifested in those creatures, disrupting her life as they disrupted Richard's. He had urged his daughter to cut ties with the side of her that he thought responsible for being unable to move pass what afflicted her mind.] I assume she has a purpose, one you may not be aware of. Have you... asked her why she torments you?
[His shoulders twitched and his blue eye narrowed balefully, and his thumb stroked the smooth page of the bible. He had lost everything; he couldn't resent the person who had done it to him either as he would give her the world, even as his own crumbled for her. He'd do it again too.] I suppose I'll go with what I know, the usual sufferings of mortality, trying to carve out a living out of nothingness.
[He hummed in consideration, but he knew it wasn't that simple. There were plenty of suspected him, and they were well-liked and trusted. Well, he supposed that things had been rather easy, so perhaps this was a challenge to force him to shake off the rust. Yes, perhaps that would be useful.]
Would they? Plenty already suspect me of something untoward. [That could be the natural paranoia after a lifetime of it being part of his survival.
He glanced up at Richard over by the altar, and it seemed his question as created a disquiet in his lover. Well, a touch more than his previous ranting had done, he supposed. He continued to watch Richard, noting the sigh and how some of that tension bled from that frame. He slowly closed the cover on the book in his hand and tucked it into his coat pocket.]
It's been days since we have seen each other. It seemed like a well-earned opportunity. Would you prefer if I left you alone in your house of God?
[Richard had not encountered the ghosts' that would haunt Jinx. He had understood from his lover's words that the spirits in question were her brothers' who had met untimely death, rather than witches with demonic powers. To his ears it seemed like Jinx suffered from similar condition as Henry had, rather than being cursed.
The question made him pause. Joan had told him the reason from the beginning, and she kept repeating it time after time again. Because I'm you. A cold and crushing truth that Richard knew and understood. Both of them were criminals in the eyes of the Lord.]
Because I'm a demon. [And so does the spin wheel again, weaving the threads together in this toxic circle. All ends leading to his own self-hatred, one that is rationalized by the very same religion he continues to make these sacrifices for. It's like a drug that just kept him coming back for more abuse and self-harm.
He scoffs silently but accepted Silco's answer, content to leave that part of the discussion there. They could argue, push and pull until they both run out of breath and energy without truly finding a compromise on what would be preferable fate for soul. But the night wouldn't last forever and despite the confrontational tone in his words, Richard was hardly interested in keeping up such fruitless labor. He supposes that it'd only make sense for Silco to not be able to see the value in light, after having spend so much time in the dark. Him dismissing the heaven and God did remind him of his kingmaker. The thought made his heart soften.
And that longing was only heightened by Silco's words. Any topic of possible opposition, the nature of afterlife and what not was briefly forgotten when the meaning behind the man's reason registered in his mind. His heart swells and skips a beat, making his stomach drop while also bringing about a dark crimson hue on his cheeks.
"He wanted to see you." For once, Richard does not flinch or allow the voices to distract him. Because the truth was that he returned the sentiment.
Richard had missed the other man, too. Far more than he should have. Them being separated now was only a logical conclusion after their bubble had been burst by the girl named Jinx. It was what they had agreed on. And yet the distance tormented Richard, summoning the long forgotten despair and strengthening his loneliness. It served as a bitter reminder that he truly was alone in this world - Silco being his only solace.
He had missed the touch of the calloused rough hands, the lingering fragrance of whiskey mixed in stinging smoke, the deep voice that would fill in the silent space within the room - roping him into conversations and teaching him more about this strange world. He missed waking up in the mornings, knowing that Silco was there to chase away the nightmares of the night.
A quick moment passed with Richard just standing there, breathing heavily through his nose. He then moved again and walked around the altar, this time to approach his lover. He stopped right in front of him with his back turned against the ocean of light.]
Is that all? Hmmm... maybe she's not as interesting as I thought.
[He expected the answer to be both more straightforward and complicated. Most of such topics with Richard usually were, filled with the kind of self-loathing and demonic prattling about that cursed body as one would expect from one who could be as theatrical as he could. Was it so simple with Joan? No, he expected there was more to it, or perhaps her articulation was more of the affront to Richard than the meaning of her continued existence.
Either way, he could see that their little round table argument had waned from interest, and he was not invested enough to press the matter further. No, he crossed on leg over the other and looked around the church with its big tree, the candles, the ambiance of what was probably supposed to be peace, and the actual quiet of being seemingly isolated from the rest of Aldrip.
He had only allowed himself to leave Jinx knowing that she would be taken care of and wouldn't wake up alone. She had not only returned having seen and done things he would never know the extent of, but she returned bearing knowledge that upended much of his own life as well. Her denial of his ambition on her behalf, realizing his brother was alive somehow, watching her with others of their world. It was... a lot to consider.
Yet, he had come here because he had also needed the escape. If he were to leave the house for social time, it would only to be find Richard. The domestic intertwining of their lives had come to an abrupt halt, torn asunder with Jinx's return to the house. He had immediately stopped using the bed, seeing no point without having someone to sleep next to. Perhaps he would even admit someday that he was sleeping far less and fitfully since Richard had left.
His mismatched eyes regarded the younger man, watching Richard approach and stop in front of him. Without thought, he dropped his crossed leg down to the floor and slowly sat forward so the angle to look up at Richard was shaper.]
What else does one do with a book? I intend to read it. You base a lot of your own suffering on the word written within, so I expected I'll be enlightened reading it.
It is not in her intentions to be interesting, Silco. [There is hint of actual offense in his words. Joan was there to torment and terror, not intrigue him or others. And even if she tried, he liked to believe that none of it would work on him. His father had unmasked her for him ages ago. Yet, he could not help but bristle against the accusation that the source of his torment was 'not interesting']
But if you truly are so disappointed maybe you could get her to haunt your mind instead. I am certain she will find a way to take your breath away. [A slight verbal jab and a reminder about their previous hapless adventures at the Last Drop. He still could remember the panic on Silco's eyes as his mind had been overtaken by the ghost of the so vividly, like it had happened mere moments ago. The older man might be free of witches and other demons that would distort his sense of reality, but even he ought to know how 'interesting' it can be to relive the nightmares over and over again.
A shadow of a disapproving frown settles down on Richard's expression as his brows knit together and lips press down in a harsh thin line. What else does one do with a book, indeed. But the idea of Silco taking his time and getting to know his religion and beliefs does pang an anxiety within him. He doesn't know which one is worse: for him to read it and continue to rebuke it as rubbish and use it against him. Or welcome its teaching's in his heart and turn to light.]
Yet it is in your interest to take away her power over you be removing her intentions or spinning them in a different light. [He ignored the offense that Richard felt at his breezy oversimplification over the traumas that Joan provided to his lover. He could see clearly that Richard was tormented, but his assistance could not be stealing the witch away but undercutting the power that she had on Richard. If he could help Richard reduce her to a controlled annoyance, then he had done his objective.
His expression closed at the rebuttal, well earned and well-aimed as it was. Indeed, Richard had found one of his own unfortunate weaknesses from his past. No doubt accidentally discovering had been as much a point of interest as it had been horrifying for his lover, especially when one considered how strictly controlled he often was. Richard saw more of him than everyone, including Jinx. Richard peeled back layers on purpose and accidentally.] Oh no doubt she and I would bicker endlessly, and then you would have to put up with that.
He raised his own natural eyebrow at the statement that Richard didn't want him to read the Bible. His hands reached out to curl around the back of his lover's thighs, sitting up again so he could attempt to draw the younger man towards him, perhaps to even sit on or next to him.]
You do not wish for me to learn about a part of you which has tormented you since the day we met? Why do you fear my having knowledge?
Maybe seeing you out of wits every now and then would be worth it. [Seeing Silco in such a strong state of disorder and terror had also been horrible experience for Richard. It had wrung out some of old traumas and revealed a festering wound that simply refused to close. The memory of Henry from that night kept freezing him up and rendering him useless.
But at the same time the way things had ended up with Silco had managed to put some salve around that injury, cleaning around the edges and making it easier for Richard to breathe once again. The forest had been much more quiet ever since that. Something that had ultimately ended up with him and Joan to this church at the dead of the night.
He allows himself to be pulled closer and guided at the bench. The frown stayed on his face, but some of the harshness peels away as he considers Silco's question. Why did it indeed bring him fear to let his lover close and be involved in this part of his life? Silco is already more aware of his life than anyone else had been, so why does it make him despair to trust him with this hurt?
He then remembers Joan's accusations..]
..Because you are the only one who I do not want to hate me. [The words burst out of him unexpectedly, ending abruptly the growing silence from him. Honestly, they should not be too much of a surprise for either of them, but still they managed to carry an immense weight of a confession.
Richard had been alone ever since his birth and would continue to be alone until the day he dies. But here, in this strange world with its nightmares and otherwordly oddities, he thought that he could perhaps escape that fate. Perhaps that escape was Silco.]
Considering you nearly fled the first time, the only worth it would bring was that I only trust you seeing me like that. [There had been one, maybe two, instances where this place had forced him to relieve some extremely negative scenarios. Jinx, Ange and Richard might be the only ones to truly see him come undone and take the time to calm things. Richard was the most unexpected calming comfort that he had found; it wasn't perfect but what was?
While he didn't wish to relive the worst day of his life, it had forced him to open up a bit more to Richard about the circumstances. It was, of course, skewed by the deep unresolved hurt, anger and distrust that had caused, but it had finally come out despite his not particularly wishing it too. Of course, his lover may be the only one who felt like he could be competition for traumas with given Richard's own long life of neglect, torment and betrayal.
He relented his grip once Richard moved to settle on the bench next to him, and he leaned back against it. He slid an arm across the backrest, his fingers stroking up and down the back of his lover's neck just above that high collar. Yet, his fingers paused at the seeming bombshell that his lover dropped, his right eye blinked a few times in surprise.
Then he softened just a touch (his version anyway), and his fingers returned to stroking the smooth warm skin at the back of Richard's neck.] I can't imagine the contents of this book will cause me to hate you, Richard. We've been through our rough patches and seen our way through them. A book won't change my mind about you.
[Yet, Silco could understand the fear. He was experiencing it with his daughter who now seemed to have developed fundamental differences from what he knew. In reality, she had simply grown up, but to him, she was slipping away from him and he would be alone. Except... would he be? He looked at Richard next to him, experiencing an uncomfortable thought as he regarded his young vulnerable lover.]
...you won't lose me unless you betray me. I expect the reverse to be true.
[The confession had forced its way out of Richard, ripping at the edges of his old wounds. The sheer strength of it left him feel shaken and almost lightheaded. If it wasn't for the fingers gently caressing the sensitive spot on his neck he would have bolted from his seat and put some distance between them. But as things were he stayed still, closing his eyes as his lover continued stroking his pale neck.
The gesture is affectionate and soothing, making Silco's words sound almost romantic. A promise to stand next to him. No matter what.. Richard almost wanted to believe those words. In another life he even might]
... There was once someone I looked at in search of love and acceptance. [He says as he opens his eyes and slowly turns to face the older man. His amber eye peeking underneath the dark locks. The suffocated pain hidden behind his expression yet so evident in his distant voice.] And yet he failed at both. All because of what lies in that book.
[it was utterly unfair to compare Silco to someone like Henry. One was from the darkness when other one was light. But the wound is open now and Richard can't stop his fears and the pain of the past bleeding out. He had frozen his heart and locked away his desires once before. He could bury them with another lover if push really came to shove. He really could do it.. He would do it, just like Silco had said.
But that didn't mean he wanted to.] Don't read it. You've said it yourself. You have no use for the light.
[Another? That didn't sound like Richard's kingmaker given the infatuation that normally came with such mentions. No this was someone else, someone who had turned their back on Richard. Was it truly due to the contents of the book he had in his jacket pocket or some other reason? Perhaps another male liaison? Richard continually blamed that cursed body, so he could fathom rejection hitting hard especially if this was an experience from younger Richard.
His fingers lightly closed on the sides of his lover's neck, offering a small massage for the confession. He made a point of shifting, moving his body closer rather than away so that their sides pressed together. He could not believe that he who had done so much others would consider vile would be suddenly turned by a holy book. Quite the opposite, which may be part of the fear too.
Yet, something stood out in thr confession and of course he was curious enough to pursue it regardless of potential discomfort.] Tell me, is that what you are truly searching for, Richard? Love and acceptance?
[He considered the urging to not read the book, his fingers still massaging the back of his lover's neck.] No I have no use of the light for myself, but that doesn't mean that it isn't an advantage to understand. There is power in knowledge. What if I promised you that if I felt tempted by this book, I would immediately stop reading it and bring it to you? You are my source expert on this religion after all. We can seap ourselves in darkness to cleanse me of such temptation?
No. [The answer is hasty, erupting from him almost immediately. Henry had been nothing more than illusion. A false king shining down a false light, the warm and secure arms only spreading death and misery. Richard had sworn that he would no longer chase after such fragmented, transient light -- no matter how Joan protested, shifting his words and blurring the lines between truth and lies.] I do not search for something that is not there. [Not anymore.] There is only one light that I am after.
[Yes. The ultimate source of power and light - an access to any delight and pleasure in the world. Escape from the sadness and fear for good. Maybe even the memory of Henry would not have such hold over him anymore. The crown was the only thing that truly mattered, and something that Richard could truly touch and possess in his hands. And Silco knew this as they had been over this time after time.
That is what he is searching for, yes. The demon could only gain light and acceptance by stealing. And yet... Witch's words keep echoing in his mind. You can't help but want it.
He can feel the warmth radiating from his lover's body against him as their knees brushed against each other. And he wants nothing more than to lean against the touch, rest his head on the other man's shoulder and allow himself to soothed into comfort. He was so tired. From the separation, Christmas, Joan and the conversation. All of it felt like a force pressing on his skull.
But instead of accepting the rest he reached to grab the fingers massaging his neck. His own hand curls around the digits as he pulls them away.] If going against my request is what you want then so shall be it. But know this, the moment your heart wavers I will baptize you again with your own blood. [Stick to what you know as they say. And for Richard that was threat of lingering violence. But just like always, his words were hardly empty sounds let run loose on the church ceiling. No, he was fully serious. Betrayal of any kind was not to be tolerated.]
[A bit too quick to be fully believed as far as Silco was concerned. He wondered if Richard was actually convinced of that pseudotruth, or if the younger man had simply told himself this mantra over and over again enough that it was the only truth he would haze himself in.] You don't believe that love can be found in the darkness? [He made a point of making a soft noise as if he were considering his own question.] Unfortunate for you that I accept you as you are, and we exist in the dark as you say.
[He knew what light that Richard was chasing, something that he knew all too well. The chase was always more to the point than the end itself. He had found that the end was disappointing when he had reached it, but yet there was more work to be done so he couldn't stop long.]
Do you believe the light inside of that crown and position will bring you happiness?
[Silco was equally tired by their separation, even if it hadn't been abrupt. They had talked about it, and he had accepted it as a necessary reality but being close again, letting some of his guard down reminded him of why he and Richard found each other so often in the past. He could close his eye and rest his temple on Richard's and simply sit quietly with the younger man regardless of the ridiculous decorations of the church.
He sat up again when his fingers were seized and pulled away, and he huffed noisily at Richard's usual theatrics when it came to going against his lover's wishes. It was just a book. He'd read plenty of provocative works of writing in the past and aside from thinking a time on it, little had moved him from his path.] My heart will not waver. [His other hand rose to stroke over the mostly healed scab on his neck where he had been 'baptized' in the past.] Third time is a charm then. Alright, if you see weakness growing in me, make me bleed.
['---don't you believe that love can be found in the darkness?
There is a tightening in Richard's chest as the weight of the question fills in the air. He can feel the weight of it press down at him, the thorns prickling through his leather and sinking deep into his flesh. And Silco's words that followed the initial question only twists his stomach further and allows the discomfort to seep into his open, bleeding wound.
Did Richard believe that? Maybe. He did not know. Who knows, maybe the wretched of the earth living the cursed life while covered in the infectious boils and what not could find light and feel love? Maybe thieves and other miscreants hiding in the shadows could do it? Sinners and heretics? Who knows. But what about men like him and Silco -- those who would devour lives and destroy those around them just to satisfy their dark ambitions? The reason in him says no. People like them can not possess something human like love, not without destroying each other.
That had been the reason why Richard had felt like he could give in his own desires and lean into this relationship. They were kin, in a sense at least, able to lick each other wounds and find comfort in their shared cage. But at the same time he didn't doubt that they would turn their fangs against each other given the opportunity. Wasn't that what their constant warnings for betrayal were all about?
His thoughts take him briefly back to the man that was not in this world. The one who owned half of his soul and had pledged himself to him in body and mind. Buckingham was like Silco, seeking to steal and claim whatever he wished for all while scoffing at the idea of God and Fate. Both of his lovers truly were similar in more ways than one. Could Buckingham love him? Again, he's not sure. Their bond was merely built around the common goal and the only reason they shared bed was to strengthen their resolve -- to prove that they were willing to face the flames of hell together. Nothing more... Correct.
The visible dark eye follows the movement of Silco's free hand as he reaches to touch his neck. The scar had healed nicely, the red cut having turned into barely visible dusty pink and dry line. A proof of the promise behind their bond. There is a small tug in Richard's chest as a familiar feeling stirred within him. It was the damned hope that had awoken during their first meeting all those months ago, raising its persistent head and pushing though the despair.
Inhaling deep, Richard lets go off Silco's hand and slouches forward, resting his elbows against his knees as he crossed his hands, eyes looking down at the floor at their feet. There is a brief and yet heavy silence as he chewed over his own previous outburst.]
Have you felt it, then? Love towards another human being that is not your daughter.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-07 01:35 am (UTC)But then there was still part of him that kept looking up to the vast, empty sky and always seeking for the approval and love from the divine despite not believing it to be possible. It was that destructive hope that kept driving him back to this place. Just like now. A vicious cycle, chaining him down like a slave.
Richard schooled down his expression back to calm and collected one as he watched Silco to approach the altar. His golden eye is once again hidden by the dark hair. ]
You shouldn't let him boss you around so. [Says the man who was the main culprit behind pampering and spoiling the boar. But he had been certain that Whitey had been sleeping at the inn when he left. So why had he returned to Silco's out of all places?
He merely scoffs a quiet laughter at the man's sneer and shakes his head. Leave it to his lover to make fun out of one of the most important days of his faith. Not that Silco would know the meaning of it.] The man who lives here agreed to this. It seems like that even a heretic's heart softens during this time of the year.
[He then steps closer to Silco, also casting his gaze at the tree.] It is supposed to represent the garden of Eden, a paradise from where the very first humans' were banished after they fell from the grace. All the lights are symbol for the birth of the Christ, the son of God. His miraculous virgin birth is the reason we celebrate Christmas.
[Richard offers explanation and then turns away to light yet another candle.] How is your daughter?
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-08 02:20 pm (UTC)He looked at the alter with all of its candles and then the tree again. This all seemed like strange pomp and fanfare for a being that could care less about any one of them; bad things happened not because of gods but because that was the way that life traveled. It was a game of endurance and some had it, some didn't.]
He seemed upset you weren't there. [They both knew that Whitey was Richard's pride and joy, a loyal companion that Silco had noted showed up when people were at their worst. How and why? He had no idea. He knew animals could be attuned to such things.] He's keeping Jinx company.
[He wrinkled his nose at the story of falling from grace. Wasn't that just most religions? It seemed that Richard's in particular had stories of testing the mettle of men and them failing spectacularly in the trials.] I suppose it will make good kindling when you're finished with it here. [He snorted in amusement and side-eyed his lover.] You don't actually believe in a virgin birth, do you? Please, someone spilled their seed.
[Yet, his eyes returned to the tree at the question as his lover busied himself. Jinx was a delicate topic for the both of them.] I admitted to her about us. Otherwise, she's... a mess. She's not... [He trailed off, tucking his hands in his pockets. He doubted Richard wanted to hear it.] Nevermind. She's fine. Sleeping finally.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-09 02:22 pm (UTC)If there was a seed spilled it was God's. He visited Mary in a form of pure light, placing a child in his womb. Then He sent one His angels to meet her and to deliver the truth about the child she was carrying. That he would be the son of God and the savior to all humans. [So, yes. He did believe it. Richard has never had any reason to question this story as nothing but the absolute truth. Mary had been special woman, one picked and chosen by God. Something that he is not even allowed dream about.] But such stories do not concern the sinners in the dark, does it?
[He and Silco were outside of that circle of light. Kins of sorts. Something that had brought them together in the first place.
When the topic shifts to Jinx Richard turns his gaze to briefly look at the other man. His visible eye narrows slightly when Silco mentions his confession but he says nothing to it. Was he happy about it? No. But was he mad? Strangely enough, not really. In fact he did not feel really anything about the subject. So, instead he just listens silently and watches Silco struggle to find the words. He had seen some of the girl's network post and it had been confusing to read, more than usually.
Yes, he is right. Richard does not care much for Jinx or her health, or at least for her sake. It's because of Silco that he is asking.
Setting down the candle he takes the few steps closer, closing the gap between him and his lover and raises his hand to touch Silco's cheek.] She'll be back on her feet soon. She's your daughter.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-10 04:30 am (UTC)Of course now that he stood in this 'temple', he would admit that he had not opened this big religious book that Richard held to such high regard. He had never asked if the younger man had read it, but perhaps this was one of those subjects where if one or both of them picked up such a 'holy' text that they would burst into flames. That was a religious idea of heathens, was it not?]
It all sounds like make-believe trying to convince people of the purity of a higher being. You know getting a woman pregnant without her consent is still rape, right? Some God. [He knew he was pushing it, and he sighed as he shook his head as he decided purposefully to reign the provocative opinions back. He did not wish to make Richard his enemy tonight, not when they had barely had opportunities to seek each other out.] Such stories seem to be the kind of things parents tell their children to force them to attempt to be better people. Even if we were told, I suppose it wouldn't set people like us on the righteous path.
[He never had a reason to be anything other than who he was, and he prided himself to not be beholden to such ideas. He preferred to be the monster. More than that, he enjoyed the fact that he had someone else who was as monstrous as he was.
He stared at the altar, waiting for Richard's comment about the fact that he had opened up to his daughter about them. Nothing came, and he wasn't certain if he was relieved or disappointed. Perhaps it forced him to face the disquiet of the changes of his daughter's behaviour, their argument about methods and the future of this place.
His eyes followed his lover as Richard moved in on him, and he remained momentarily stiff as that hand touched his cheek. He sighed from his nose, nodding.] I know. There are... others from my world here now which will complicate things. [He slowly leaned into Richard's touch.]
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-10 03:00 pm (UTC)...Divine can't defile anyone. That is against its holy nature. [He says slowly, clearing his voice from the shock.] God wants all of us to be better, yes. Only those who have managed to live just life and repent for their sins are allowed to join His eternal kingdom. But yes, you're right. Such attempts are wasted on people such as you and I.
When Christ died he forgave those who had done him wrong. He found it in his heart to still love the man who had betrayed and sold him out. He bled and cried for our sins as he was brutally tormented in front of people before his slow and agonizing death. Only someone pure and truly holy could do something like that. Not us. [He and Silco had both been betrayed by someone close to them - by someone they cherished in their hearts. And what was result? Instead of turning the other cheek and forgive, they had turned into hate. Instead of being resurrected they had been reborn as they were. Dangerous monsters.
Richard could feel the warmth of Silco's skin even through his glove, thumb slowly caressing the spot under his eye. The contact made his heart swell and eyes soften. How had he missed this during these quiet and lonely days. A simple gesture packing immense amount of meaning behind it.
"You can't help but want it," Joan's words echoed in his mind, making him quickly withdraw away.]
And... Who are these people? Do you think they'll possess a threat against you?
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-11 03:06 pm (UTC)Yet he stepped in closer so that their bodies were inches apart.] Why do we need a God to tell us to be better? If that was what the end goal was, wouldn't it be harder to fight against that nature? No sin is beautiful and poignant, otherwise, why would you and I still be standing after all we have done? If there is a God, they don't care about the petty and paltry actions of humanity. We're just ants to them.
[Silco almost snorted a laugh, and he knew that Richard couldn't believe this nonsense. Who could? Son of a God tortured and murdered and God does nothing? What a waste.] Torture and murdering a crying man is hardly purity. It is weakness that he wouldn't fight back against his oppressors? What tale does that tell you, Richard? If you hang your head, meal, and cry, you will die by those who will never believe in you anyway. That's how martyrs shackle guilt.
[He leaned into Richard's hand further, allowing his guard down for a moment as he savored the quiet contact between them. Then it was gone just as fast and he had to take a small step to avoid stumbling forward. He shifted himself and tucked his hands back in his coat pockets.
He shrugged, stepping away to instead seat himself on a front row bench. He was digging in his coat for his cigar case.] They possess whispers of me which they may or may not tell. No worse than the sister who you are so fond drinking with.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-12 03:17 am (UTC)You may say so, but the Christ was rewarded for his sacrifice. [And that was all that he really had to say about the topic. Somehow he doubted that stories of the miraculous resurrection would be enough to move his lover. But he supposes it is only fair. Richard is no priest and hardly the right person to educate a heathen on the matters of religion and divine. A rebellious part of him would want to see the older man in discussion with one of the preachers from his church. No doubt it would be an inspiring spectacle to see the cynic tear down the servant of God with his words.
Richard stood still when Silco moved away to take a seat, placing a hand on top of the altar. His eyes narrows a bit when the man brings up the sister, no Vi. He had only recently learned the true identity of the girl through Jinx's emotional outburst on the network rather than from his lover himself. Something that had left a bad taste in his mouth.
For a quick moment his gaze focuses on the empty spot next to Silco. Joan was there again, sneering as usually and mimicking the man's movements - digging up a lighter from her pocket and offering to light the cigar for him. Ridiculous.]
And so your lips remains sealed about their identities. [There is now a quiet accusation in his words. 'You are shutting me out.']
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-12 05:54 pm (UTC)[Silco snorted in amusement as he pulled his cigar from the case and slipped it between his lips. He lit it with a single strike from the lighter, puffing away to bring it to life. He stowed the case and lighter away in his coat pocket again and leaned back to stare at Richard.] Was he? Do you actually believe any of that prattling nonsense? It's worse than children's stories and fables. You tie yourself up with everything your God apparently wants, but consider yourself a monster not fit for such salvation. Why would you aim for a goal you don't believe you deserve in the first place? Take what you can in the life that you have.
[He noted Richard's divided attention and turned in the pew that he was seated up, staring at the empty space beside him. He knew the tells.] Well, at least Joan is here so I have someone reasonable to talk to. [He reached around the back of the bench and pulled a thick book out titled "Bible" and huffed.] Joan, do tell Richard his religion is nothing more than a pile of shit giftwrapped as gold, would you? Such a gem.
[He flipped open the Bible, squinting at the small text and leafed through for something inspiring. Well, no, he decided he was going to read it cover to cover. This was Richard's religion, was it? Fine, he'd pull the younger man's arguments apart based on superior knowledge and pettiness.
Yet, he lifted his mismatched gaze away from examining the book to regard his lover, noting the tone. He had not shared Vi's identity because they had a deal in place. He was not bound by such stipulations any longer, but he also made a point of refusing to call her by name whenever possible.]
You want to know their names, do you? [He pulled his cigar from his lips and blew smoke out in front of him.] Fine. From our sister city, Piltover, two councilors: Jayce Talis and Mel Medarda. One ex-councilor: Heimerdinger who is a yordle, small and furry. Jayce and Heimerdinger are inventors or men of science. Mel is a foreign agent. From my city, Jinx's former boy-toy, Ekko has returned. The others were here before: Vi who is Jinx's blood sister, Caitlyn Kiramann from Piltover, and of course, my daughter, Jinx. All of them are dangerous to what I have been building, but I expect they also will be too consumed with each other to notice me.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-13 01:05 am (UTC)However, it is not that he doesn't think that Silco isn't right. The God, if he truly exists, is nowhere nearly as merciful nor loving as the priests, bishops or vicars and what not would preach about. After all, Richard had only experienced the fear and the merciless wrath -- something that were reserved for sinners and criminals. A role that he had come to accept as his own long time ago.
And yet he keeps chaining himself up with this desperate hope, that just maybe he, too, could be welcomed to the paradise. So, he continues with these performances and hides away his true nature despite knowing very well it all to be for naught.
A small flame of anger flares within him as he watches Silco to pick up the bible. No doubt the man is only looking at it to annoy him further. But the Silco goes and takes yet another step outside of his comfort-zone by bringing up Joan. Of course, her presence had never been a secret to his lover, but for him to provoke an interaction by addressing her? Yeah, that was more than enough to trigger the anxiety in him.
The uneasiness washes over his expression, feeling his skin prickle underneath his clothing. He turns his head to look away at the altar and its lights , fighting through his discomfort. He breathes through his nose and tapping the wooden surface with his finger and then -- maybe for the first time in is life, he decides not to dismiss the comment but lean into it. Making Joan part of the shared reality rather than just his own.]
..You are the one she's making fun out of, actually. [He says, voice strained, yet in control.] If it's not heaven or hell, then where do you wish your soul to end up when all of this is over?
[Richard is actually quite surprised that Silco answered his question. Despite them letting each other close enough to see the hidden scars and pains from the past, there had always been a fine line of privacy that they both guarded from one another. The line had been a source of frustration, for sure, but it had also helped him to understand their limits of relationship.]
I am familiar with some of them. [Mostly just with Vi and Caitlyn, but he does remember one encounter with the boy named Ekko.] It seems like your opposition has grown with a quite number. But you are right. I do not think they can act in this world without burning themselves, too.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-13 01:26 am (UTC)His lover wouldn't know it, but Silco was trying to break those chains so that his Richard could shake off years of self-hatred based around a religion that would never love or care for those that did not meet the standards of whatever society deemed. He hated it for that because so many of them were outliers who would have to overcompensate with shame and guilt at not being one of the 'sheep'.
So, he left the bulk of the topic silent on his end as he leafed through the Bible before giving up and actually starting on the first page. He shot a feigned enraged look to his right.] That's because she likes me, obviously.
[He snorted softly at the question and gestured with the Bible at all of this celebratory effect.] I don't care. My damned soul ended up here, so I suppose that's answer enough. Otherwise, I'd prefer reincarnation to relive again. A soul cycled over and over, their lives many, their opportunities varied.
[He grunted, fully aware of the opposition awaiting him. He needed to be careful now more than ever. He did not have the benefit of the last Marcus to hide his business.] You would think that, but I have cultivated a particular persona here that I wish to keep intact. They will create increased difficulties, though... I existed in the shadows for all of them for a long time. Perhaps I will be easy to overlook.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-13 03:12 pm (UTC)No wonder Joan was present.
And speaking of the witch? It felt so jarring to see Silco trying to interact with her, looking straight into those large crazed eyes and talking to her. The colors shift in his eyes, distorting the reality even more as the poisonous green and purple began to spread around the pair on the bench. But Richard forced his eyes to stay focused, not yielding even as Joan turned to sneer back at him:
"Tell him, Richard. I am not the one who likes him here."
The comment makes him knit his brows together in a harsher frown, the corners of his lips pulling back as he ignored the taunt.]
So. Eternal cycle of suffering and pain? Endless pursuit with no real goal. [He scoffs, rolling his shoulders in a sneer. He had heard rumors of such beliefs as part of heretic travelers. And to be honest, he did not see the appeal. Why would one subject themselves into such vicious cycle of agony and pain when there was something eternal and real to be achieved?]
Here I thought you enjoyed being the monster in the dark, relishing openly in the act of scaring the children and weak? I did not think that presence of people from your world would be enough to force you under the bed.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-14 03:28 am (UTC)Normally she came out when Richard was alone, he had noticed. Times of stress too. It wasn't that often that Silco was in the room when the tells were there to indicate that Joan was there in the same room as them.]
Well, does she want a drag of my cigar? She's more than welcome.
[He ran his thumb over the smooth paper of the book, and it seemed to him that it was cared for well enough. It didn't look like it was read much or at least not the entirety of it. He decided that he would read this book of God's little advice and see if he could discern what the big deal was about.]
Oh and this Hell would be any different would it? Eternal torment in the fiery pits of demons, or eternal Hell in a cycle on Earth where at least one has the opportunity to change their fortunes? Please, don't be so narrowminded about reincarnation. Perhaps you could have the life you've always wanted. [He didn't know what that was either. A crown, a father alive, a fully male or fully female body. He'd never asked what Richard's ideal was.]
I can't go to all out war with them, that's all. This city wouldn't stand behind me as I am now. Perhaps if everyone knew what sort of monster I was, no one would stand with me. [He was watching Richard as he said it. Despite their promises, there were deep wounds and old memories that were harmful, that he thought may even turn off his lover.] If people of your time came, would you be overjoyed to see them? Your brothers? Your mother?
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Date: 2025-01-15 07:58 pm (UTC)It was the same affliction which she accused him of again. So he supposes it makes sense that she is here right now, after being silent and absent so long during the months that they shared the roof. ]
I'd be careful if I were you. She might as well go and poison your mind even further. He scoffs at Silco's words as he focuses on the witch, who in return sticks her tongue out, earning an angry scowl from Richard. He clenches his hand in a tight fist and turns to walk around the altar - just so to have excuse to tear his gaze away from the pair on the bench.]
The life on Earth is hell. You'd willingly be caught in the ever spinning wheel just for one opportunity? Like a fool running around in circles. Heh. I suppose this world suits you just well, then. You lost almost everything and now have gained it all back once again. [He could tell that his focus was wavering, feeling already exhausted and overwhelmed by the maddening visions of Joan, the blasphemous conversation with Silco and the sea of the candles. But still, he would not run away.]
Maybe. But you have power and influence here that others don't. If they were now to act out against you they would only earn the ire of the rest of the Chosen.
[There is a moment of silence from him when Silco brings up his family. He is right to assume that their arrival would not please him at all. Especially his brothers would prove out to be problematic and force him into hiding once again. He was not nowhere prepared to shatter their idea of loyal little brother by revealing the cost of his ambition. He sighs out his nose, some of the tension deflating from his frame.]
...Why did you come here, Silco? If Whitey truly was being a pest you could have just kicked him out.
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Date: 2025-01-16 05:30 am (UTC)[His shoulders twitched and his blue eye narrowed balefully, and his thumb stroked the smooth page of the bible. He had lost everything; he couldn't resent the person who had done it to him either as he would give her the world, even as his own crumbled for her. He'd do it again too.] I suppose I'll go with what I know, the usual sufferings of mortality, trying to carve out a living out of nothingness.
[He hummed in consideration, but he knew it wasn't that simple. There were plenty of suspected him, and they were well-liked and trusted. Well, he supposed that things had been rather easy, so perhaps this was a challenge to force him to shake off the rust. Yes, perhaps that would be useful.]
Would they? Plenty already suspect me of something untoward. [That could be the natural paranoia after a lifetime of it being part of his survival.
He glanced up at Richard over by the altar, and it seemed his question as created a disquiet in his lover. Well, a touch more than his previous ranting had done, he supposed. He continued to watch Richard, noting the sigh and how some of that tension bled from that frame. He slowly closed the cover on the book in his hand and tucked it into his coat pocket.]
It's been days since we have seen each other. It seemed like a well-earned opportunity. Would you prefer if I left you alone in your house of God?
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Date: 2025-01-17 01:49 am (UTC)The question made him pause. Joan had told him the reason from the beginning, and she kept repeating it time after time again. Because I'm you. A cold and crushing truth that Richard knew and understood. Both of them were criminals in the eyes of the Lord.]
Because I'm a demon. [And so does the spin wheel again, weaving the threads together in this toxic circle. All ends leading to his own self-hatred, one that is rationalized by the very same religion he continues to make these sacrifices for. It's like a drug that just kept him coming back for more abuse and self-harm.
He scoffs silently but accepted Silco's answer, content to leave that part of the discussion there. They could argue, push and pull until they both run out of breath and energy without truly finding a compromise on what would be preferable fate for soul. But the night wouldn't last forever and despite the confrontational tone in his words, Richard was hardly interested in keeping up such fruitless labor. He supposes that it'd only make sense for Silco to not be able to see the value in light, after having spend so much time in the dark. Him dismissing the heaven and God did remind him of his kingmaker. The thought made his heart soften.
And that longing was only heightened by Silco's words. Any topic of possible opposition, the nature of afterlife and what not was briefly forgotten when the meaning behind the man's reason registered in his mind. His heart swells and skips a beat, making his stomach drop while also bringing about a dark crimson hue on his cheeks.
"He wanted to see you." For once, Richard does not flinch or allow the voices to distract him. Because the truth was that he returned the sentiment.
Richard had missed the other man, too. Far more than he should have. Them being separated now was only a logical conclusion after their bubble had been burst by the girl named Jinx. It was what they had agreed on. And yet the distance tormented Richard, summoning the long forgotten despair and strengthening his loneliness. It served as a bitter reminder that he truly was alone in this world - Silco being his only solace.
He had missed the touch of the calloused rough hands, the lingering fragrance of whiskey mixed in stinging smoke, the deep voice that would fill in the silent space within the room - roping him into conversations and teaching him more about this strange world. He missed waking up in the mornings, knowing that Silco was there to chase away the nightmares of the night.
A quick moment passed with Richard just standing there, breathing heavily through his nose. He then moved again and walked around the altar, this time to approach his lover. He stopped right in front of him with his back turned against the ocean of light.]
What do you intend to do with the bible?
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Date: 2025-01-17 04:18 am (UTC)[He expected the answer to be both more straightforward and complicated. Most of such topics with Richard usually were, filled with the kind of self-loathing and demonic prattling about that cursed body as one would expect from one who could be as theatrical as he could. Was it so simple with Joan? No, he expected there was more to it, or perhaps her articulation was more of the affront to Richard than the meaning of her continued existence.
Either way, he could see that their little round table argument had waned from interest, and he was not invested enough to press the matter further. No, he crossed on leg over the other and looked around the church with its big tree, the candles, the ambiance of what was probably supposed to be peace, and the actual quiet of being seemingly isolated from the rest of Aldrip.
He had only allowed himself to leave Jinx knowing that she would be taken care of and wouldn't wake up alone. She had not only returned having seen and done things he would never know the extent of, but she returned bearing knowledge that upended much of his own life as well. Her denial of his ambition on her behalf, realizing his brother was alive somehow, watching her with others of their world. It was... a lot to consider.
Yet, he had come here because he had also needed the escape. If he were to leave the house for social time, it would only to be find Richard. The domestic intertwining of their lives had come to an abrupt halt, torn asunder with Jinx's return to the house. He had immediately stopped using the bed, seeing no point without having someone to sleep next to. Perhaps he would even admit someday that he was sleeping far less and fitfully since Richard had left.
His mismatched eyes regarded the younger man, watching Richard approach and stop in front of him. Without thought, he dropped his crossed leg down to the floor and slowly sat forward so the angle to look up at Richard was shaper.]
What else does one do with a book? I intend to read it. You base a lot of your own suffering on the word written within, so I expected I'll be enlightened reading it.
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Date: 2025-01-19 08:58 pm (UTC)But if you truly are so disappointed maybe you could get her to haunt your mind instead. I am certain she will find a way to take your breath away. [A slight verbal jab and a reminder about their previous hapless adventures at the Last Drop. He still could remember the panic on Silco's eyes as his mind had been overtaken by the ghost of the so vividly, like it had happened mere moments ago. The older man might be free of witches and other demons that would distort his sense of reality, but even he ought to know how 'interesting' it can be to relive the nightmares over and over again.
A shadow of a disapproving frown settles down on Richard's expression as his brows knit together and lips press down in a harsh thin line. What else does one do with a book, indeed. But the idea of Silco taking his time and getting to know his religion and beliefs does pang an anxiety within him. He doesn't know which one is worse: for him to read it and continue to rebuke it as rubbish and use it against him. Or welcome its teaching's in his heart and turn to light.]
I do not wish you to.
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Date: 2025-01-19 10:20 pm (UTC)His expression closed at the rebuttal, well earned and well-aimed as it was. Indeed, Richard had found one of his own unfortunate weaknesses from his past. No doubt accidentally discovering had been as much a point of interest as it had been horrifying for his lover, especially when one considered how strictly controlled he often was. Richard saw more of him than everyone, including Jinx. Richard peeled back layers on purpose and accidentally.] Oh no doubt she and I would bicker endlessly, and then you would have to put up with that.
He raised his own natural eyebrow at the statement that Richard didn't want him to read the Bible. His hands reached out to curl around the back of his lover's thighs, sitting up again so he could attempt to draw the younger man towards him, perhaps to even sit on or next to him.]
You do not wish for me to learn about a part of you which has tormented you since the day we met? Why do you fear my having knowledge?
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Date: 2025-01-19 11:26 pm (UTC)But at the same time the way things had ended up with Silco had managed to put some salve around that injury, cleaning around the edges and making it easier for Richard to breathe once again. The forest had been much more quiet ever since that. Something that had ultimately ended up with him and Joan to this church at the dead of the night.
He allows himself to be pulled closer and guided at the bench. The frown stayed on his face, but some of the harshness peels away as he considers Silco's question. Why did it indeed bring him fear to let his lover close and be involved in this part of his life? Silco is already more aware of his life than anyone else had been, so why does it make him despair to trust him with this hurt?
He then remembers Joan's accusations..]
..Because you are the only one who I do not want to hate me. [The words burst out of him unexpectedly, ending abruptly the growing silence from him. Honestly, they should not be too much of a surprise for either of them, but still they managed to carry an immense weight of a confession.
Richard had been alone ever since his birth and would continue to be alone until the day he dies. But here, in this strange world with its nightmares and otherwordly oddities, he thought that he could perhaps escape that fate. Perhaps that escape was Silco.]
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-20 12:07 am (UTC)While he didn't wish to relive the worst day of his life, it had forced him to open up a bit more to Richard about the circumstances. It was, of course, skewed by the deep unresolved hurt, anger and distrust that had caused, but it had finally come out despite his not particularly wishing it too. Of course, his lover may be the only one who felt like he could be competition for traumas with given Richard's own long life of neglect, torment and betrayal.
He relented his grip once Richard moved to settle on the bench next to him, and he leaned back against it. He slid an arm across the backrest, his fingers stroking up and down the back of his lover's neck just above that high collar. Yet, his fingers paused at the seeming bombshell that his lover dropped, his right eye blinked a few times in surprise.
Then he softened just a touch (his version anyway), and his fingers returned to stroking the smooth warm skin at the back of Richard's neck.] I can't imagine the contents of this book will cause me to hate you, Richard. We've been through our rough patches and seen our way through them. A book won't change my mind about you.
[Yet, Silco could understand the fear. He was experiencing it with his daughter who now seemed to have developed fundamental differences from what he knew. In reality, she had simply grown up, but to him, she was slipping away from him and he would be alone. Except... would he be? He looked at Richard next to him, experiencing an uncomfortable thought as he regarded his young vulnerable lover.]
...you won't lose me unless you betray me. I expect the reverse to be true.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-25 12:03 am (UTC)The gesture is affectionate and soothing, making Silco's words sound almost romantic. A promise to stand next to him. No matter what.. Richard almost wanted to believe those words. In another life he even might]
... There was once someone I looked at in search of love and acceptance. [He says as he opens his eyes and slowly turns to face the older man. His amber eye peeking underneath the dark locks. The suffocated pain hidden behind his expression yet so evident in his distant voice.] And yet he failed at both. All because of what lies in that book.
[it was utterly unfair to compare Silco to someone like Henry. One was from the darkness when other one was light. But the wound is open now and Richard can't stop his fears and the pain of the past bleeding out. He had frozen his heart and locked away his desires once before. He could bury them with another lover if push really came to shove. He really could do it.. He would do it, just like Silco had said.
But that didn't mean he wanted to.] Don't read it. You've said it yourself. You have no use for the light.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-25 12:29 pm (UTC)His fingers lightly closed on the sides of his lover's neck, offering a small massage for the confession. He made a point of shifting, moving his body closer rather than away so that their sides pressed together. He could not believe that he who had done so much others would consider vile would be suddenly turned by a holy book. Quite the opposite, which may be part of the fear too.
Yet, something stood out in thr confession and of course he was curious enough to pursue it regardless of potential discomfort.] Tell me, is that what you are truly searching for, Richard? Love and acceptance?
[He considered the urging to not read the book, his fingers still massaging the back of his lover's neck.] No I have no use of the light for myself, but that doesn't mean that it isn't an advantage to understand. There is power in knowledge. What if I promised you that if I felt tempted by this book, I would immediately stop reading it and bring it to you? You are my source expert on this religion after all. We can seap ourselves in darkness to cleanse me of such temptation?
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Date: 2025-01-27 02:28 am (UTC)[Yes. The ultimate source of power and light - an access to any delight and pleasure in the world. Escape from the sadness and fear for good. Maybe even the memory of Henry would not have such hold over him anymore. The crown was the only thing that truly mattered, and something that Richard could truly touch and possess in his hands. And Silco knew this as they had been over this time after time.
That is what he is searching for, yes. The demon could only gain light and acceptance by stealing. And yet... Witch's words keep echoing in his mind. You can't help but want it.
He can feel the warmth radiating from his lover's body against him as their knees brushed against each other. And he wants nothing more than to lean against the touch, rest his head on the other man's shoulder and allow himself to soothed into comfort. He was so tired. From the separation, Christmas, Joan and the conversation. All of it felt like a force pressing on his skull.
But instead of accepting the rest he reached to grab the fingers massaging his neck. His own hand curls around the digits as he pulls them away.] If going against my request is what you want then so shall be it. But know this, the moment your heart wavers I will baptize you again with your own blood. [Stick to what you know as they say. And for Richard that was threat of lingering violence. But just like always, his words were hardly empty sounds let run loose on the church ceiling. No, he was fully serious. Betrayal of any kind was not to be tolerated.]
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-27 06:38 pm (UTC)[He knew what light that Richard was chasing, something that he knew all too well. The chase was always more to the point than the end itself. He had found that the end was disappointing when he had reached it, but yet there was more work to be done so he couldn't stop long.]
Do you believe the light inside of that crown and position will bring you happiness?
[Silco was equally tired by their separation, even if it hadn't been abrupt. They had talked about it, and he had accepted it as a necessary reality but being close again, letting some of his guard down reminded him of why he and Richard found each other so often in the past. He could close his eye and rest his temple on Richard's and simply sit quietly with the younger man regardless of the ridiculous decorations of the church.
He sat up again when his fingers were seized and pulled away, and he huffed noisily at Richard's usual theatrics when it came to going against his lover's wishes. It was just a book. He'd read plenty of provocative works of writing in the past and aside from thinking a time on it, little had moved him from his path.] My heart will not waver. [His other hand rose to stroke over the mostly healed scab on his neck where he had been 'baptized' in the past.] Third time is a charm then. Alright, if you see weakness growing in me, make me bleed.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-28 01:41 am (UTC)There is a tightening in Richard's chest as the weight of the question fills in the air. He can feel the weight of it press down at him, the thorns prickling through his leather and sinking deep into his flesh. And Silco's words that followed the initial question only twists his stomach further and allows the discomfort to seep into his open, bleeding wound.
Did Richard believe that? Maybe. He did not know. Who knows, maybe the wretched of the earth living the cursed life while covered in the infectious boils and what not could find light and feel love? Maybe thieves and other miscreants hiding in the shadows could do it? Sinners and heretics? Who knows. But what about men like him and Silco -- those who would devour lives and destroy those around them just to satisfy their dark ambitions? The reason in him says no. People like them can not possess something human like love, not without destroying each other.
That had been the reason why Richard had felt like he could give in his own desires and lean into this relationship. They were kin, in a sense at least, able to lick each other wounds and find comfort in their shared cage. But at the same time he didn't doubt that they would turn their fangs against each other given the opportunity. Wasn't that what their constant warnings for betrayal were all about?
His thoughts take him briefly back to the man that was not in this world. The one who owned half of his soul and had pledged himself to him in body and mind. Buckingham was like Silco, seeking to steal and claim whatever he wished for all while scoffing at the idea of God and Fate. Both of his lovers truly were similar in more ways than one. Could Buckingham love him? Again, he's not sure. Their bond was merely built around the common goal and the only reason they shared bed was to strengthen their resolve -- to prove that they were willing to face the flames of hell together. Nothing more... Correct.
The visible dark eye follows the movement of Silco's free hand as he reaches to touch his neck. The scar had healed nicely, the red cut having turned into barely visible dusty pink and dry line. A proof of the promise behind their bond. There is a small tug in Richard's chest as a familiar feeling stirred within him. It was the damned hope that had awoken during their first meeting all those months ago, raising its persistent head and pushing though the despair.
Inhaling deep, Richard lets go off Silco's hand and slouches forward, resting his elbows against his knees as he crossed his hands, eyes looking down at the floor at their feet. There is a brief and yet heavy silence as he chewed over his own previous outburst.]
Have you felt it, then? Love towards another human being that is not your daughter.
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From:wrap?
From:u don't get to drop that on him and wrap :| he gets last word
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